Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
