The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
