i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
