Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
