I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
