You're my little dorito
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
