Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
