I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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