by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
