So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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