I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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