ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We left the knife in your bed.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
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