haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
