but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
then he tried to convert me to islam
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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