his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
