Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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