I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
