Michael Bay diarrhea
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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