Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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