totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
