do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
