My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Randomize