Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
