Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
