So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
