allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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