His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You ruined the universe
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
