Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Terrible idea I love it
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
