i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wish I only lived at night.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
