she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Randomize
