dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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