Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
