how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
