Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize