I just cut my nipple shaving
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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