i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
