Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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