If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
