Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
