I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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