I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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