i don't plan on having that self control this summer
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
