after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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