There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
