Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize