How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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