Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
