Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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