You can't motorboat a personality
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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