Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My feet surprised me
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
