i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
