Pappa wants mamma naked
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize