I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
