my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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