I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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