how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
