make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
