I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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