i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
